Let’s face it, parenting might be the most challenging thing we do in life; or at least in the top three. We are responsible for raising a fallible child(ren) to adult-hood when we ourselves are fallible. What could go wrong? Well, honestly, a lot can go wrong, and often does. At least that is how it plays out in my household often enough. My wife and I are not perfect, nor are our kids, but we have learned a few things along the way, as I am sure you parents out there have too. Over the course of raising our kids we find ourselves saying several one line quips that help raise our kids better (or at least that is the perception).
I hesitated to use the word quip as it has an implied negative connotation to it, but the definition happens to be “making a witty remark”. While most of these are not funny when spoken, it does take some inventive thinking to use them. There is nothing about these that are to be demeaning or negative towards the child. It is quite the opposite. They should be used to uplift the child and make them think for themselves. A lot of our job as parents is to raise our kids to be able to problem solve, lead, have positive attitudes, make good choices, build relationships, and resolve conflict on their own. My prayer is you can use these questions (quips) to do just that.
Here are the categories and questions, as well as some thoughts to go along with each of the categories.
Appeal to a higher power: It is important to teach our kids why we are asking and directing them in certain ways or why things are right or wrong. Helping them understand a lot of the “rules” we put into place are really to help them live the best life they can under God’s design. When we can help them think and problem solve in the way of God’s design for us, it goes a long way towards helping them problem solve and make good choices based on God’s words, not ours as parents.
- What do you think GOD would want you to do?
- Have you prayed about it?
- What does the Bible have to say about …………..?
- What is my main responsibility as a parent to you?
Appeal to intent: Most of the time when one of my kids runs up to me with a concern, they are looking at it from a very selfish nature. They are really only worried about their “hurt”. Asking them a question about the intent of the other person forces the child to think outside themselves. The best part is this: By asking a question, it is their thought or idea which comes to the surface to problem solve in the conflict. Instead of me or my wife giving them the answer, it empowers them to come up with the solution.
- Do you think I am telling/asking you this to hurt you or help you?
- If I had it, do you think I would give it to you?
- Do you think he/she was trying to do that on purpose?
Appeal to responsibility: Once children get past the age of three or four, they generally know what the right thing to do is, but they need help from time to time to work through the emotion behind it. This one normally plays out when my kids have been asked to clean the bathroom or some other chore. They know they should go do it, but getting past the “I don’t want to” is not always easy. Asking the kinds of questions below help them problem solve and make good choices. The idea is now theirs and is not just the parents telling them to “do” something.
- What is the right thing to do?
- What do you think will happen if you don’t do …………..?
- How do you think a positive attitude will help you with …………….?
Appeal to relationship: These are my “go to” questions a lot of the time and I love the concept behind them. These question help them work through conflict resolution with other people. I also really like the humanity behind them as well. We all have to deal with and learn to think correctly about difficult people and these questions help with that. The first question on this list is my favorite. One of my kids will come to me or my wife and say something like, “My brother/sister is being mean.” After asking my question, I normally get an “Ugh” or eye roll, along with a “no” as they turn around to go back down the stairs to nicely ask their sibling to stop. Does it work 100% of the time? No. But it does teach them to resolve the conflict on their own.
- Have you asked them to stop, nicely? If no, do that first and come back to me if it is still a problem.
- Do you think you can forgive them?
- I understand that person often does things you don’t like, but do you think you can allow them the time to grow through it?
In a world that teach selfishness, feelings over facts, just follow the crowd, and just listen to the “experts”, it is more important than ever that we parent well and teach our kids the right way to think. Conflict resolution, critical thinking, problem solving, attitude control, and leadership can all be taught even in young kids by helping them think through items via asking questions which makes the solution theirs.
Try it. Try asking some of these questions to your kids the next time they come to you with a problem instead of just giving them the answer, fixing it for them, or using “just do as you’re told” method. It may take some time but down the road you will be able to hear your oldest child ask (in a soft voice tone) your youngest child (who is starting to whimper) if they are able to forgive the middle child for hurting them in a kerfuffle. The youngest says “yes” and they start to play again as if nothing happened, all while you sit in another room listening and not having to intervene to resolve the conflict.
Leave No Doubt – Think. Love. Share
